Are you tired of the earnest advice in conventional parenting books? Do you want to know what’s really in your future as a new parent? Scott Feschuk and Paul Mather both know, all too well, and are happy to tell you with their trademark irreverence what it’s really like to be a new parent.

For instance, they tell you that by nine months your baby will inevitably have missed several milestones, sending you into a complete panic. And sooner or later you’ll realize you’re doing everything wrong. The solution is simple: just read a different childcare advice book. Also, if your child has not knocked over something expensive and nice by the age of three, this could be a sign that you don’t have enough things that are expensive and nice. Did you know that a child’s affection for a song is directly proportional to how severely it annoys his mother and father? And, believe it or not, experts estimate that by 2024, the cost of a drunken frat party at a typical postsecondary institution will be $575,000. You owe it to your child to start saving now!

Candid and comic, How Not to Completely Suck is a bundle of laughs for frazzled new parents and curious parents-to-be. The perfect gift for a shower or Mother’s Day.